Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…