COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
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I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..