Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Every time my phone rings