Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
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5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*