Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme