Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Somewhere in an alternate universe

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

This squirrel eats better than I do

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass