cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.