Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house