Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.