Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies