Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Meow
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
me
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.