Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white