Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?