Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

All is fair in drunk and war.

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie