cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
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I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I identify as an antique shop.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.