Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.