cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
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Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here