Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.