Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

cyclists