Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.