cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
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Waiting for the Charmin
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.