cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
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Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes