Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

When you try jalapeños for the first time

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

🤣dope

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word