cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
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[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Not even remotely sorry.
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FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
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His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions