Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.