Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

seems like a niche market

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money