Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

Bit chilly again tonight.

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty