Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home