Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
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my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.