Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Important reminders
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Worst bar ever.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes