@daemonic3

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

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@ClichedOut

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

@k_lli

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

@Joe_Schmuck

“I’ll Knock You Into Next Week” have black mothers invented time travel? Details at 11. #ABCReports

@blade_funner

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

@imdaintyaf

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

@vault101girl

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

@JB4Realz

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

@fillthevacuum

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

@JediGigi

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

@katiedippold

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”