Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can’t remember to flush the toilet.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
BF: Will you marry me?
GF: Do we have to live together?
I pronounce CHampagne & CHandelier like CHimp so the lower class thinks I’m “approachable” & the upper class thinks I’m “eclectic”
Just tried to even up my sideburns and now I’m a hairless cat.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas