society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
“I’ll Knock You Into Next Week” have black mothers invented time travel? Details at 11. #ABCReports
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”