Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

My background check bounced.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama