Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

Liquor Store Parking

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it