Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

What if the weather talks about us?

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order