Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
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Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Remember folks 😂
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school