Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Breaking news:

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

got so much cardio in today

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved