Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.