Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
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*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Its a hippotatomus
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
a fate I wish upon no one
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.