Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Stick it to the man
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still