Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

the only bumper sticker ill allow

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress