Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale