Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
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Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Now colored!
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Has science gone too far?
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”