Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
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Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Planet of the Apps.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.