Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!