Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me