[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
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I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.