[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
You Might Also Like
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too