Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.