cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
