Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”