Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Where is your GOD now????

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

No, I don’t think I will.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

You don’t even know

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children