Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.