Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?
Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
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The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work.
Me: I don’t wear pajamas
B: just wear whatever you sleep in
M: ok, you asked for it.