[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
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All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
honestly, i need both:
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Meow
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”