[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
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3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Suuuuure
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I think about this cartoon a lot.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.