Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
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sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.