Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
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*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.