Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

Dumplings,

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

seriously you guys

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.