Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss

By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus