Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”