COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
You Might Also Like
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.