Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
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Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Greeting humans vs their dogs
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand