*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
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My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.