Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

Feels like there should be a middle ground

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.