@jake_likes_naps

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

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@joeljeffrey

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

@clindsaysway

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

@david8hughes

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

@HardDriveMag

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

@okimstillhungry

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

@LionJenkins

[First day at New Job]

New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>

@DrDogMD

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

@TravLeBlanc

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.