*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit