Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd