Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

*feels the wind in my toe hair

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

Wedding planning is organized crime.

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

I can’t be the only one 😂

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer