Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

boys are so easy to impress

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

Rare photo of two submarines racing

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

Canada has crack?

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!