Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Living the best life.. 😊
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”