Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
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Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
is nasa ok
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
that colleague who touches your screen
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.