Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?