Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Happy thanksgiving!
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.