Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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How your email finds me
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”