Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.