[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
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Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.