Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –