Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

what does he know…