Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
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if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
You’re the water to my grease fire.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.